-World leader#1:” “I’ll bomb the shit out of you”
-World leader#2: “No you won’t. I’ll blow you up moron”
Recognise this behaviour? Never felt like dropping a bomb on your manager, wife, boyfriend, parents? I bet you did. You don’t need to tell me, but I know you did. Thankfully you don’t have a nuke suitcase under your mattress like the world leaders above who have not yet gotten over their penis size complex.
But hey, this is real stuff in fact and impacts all of us, whether as perpetrators or victims. Both on a global scale where world leaders are unable (or unwilling) to honour and sustain peace and cooperation, but also in our own very personal home and work realities. Conflict management is something we all have to deal with.
When addressing or being addressed in an emotional accusative tone, conflict happens. 99 out of 100 times, the answer will be in an hyper defensive “Hell no, I fight back!” mode . And that remainder “1 time” wisdom is definitely not mine. Genetically, I am a mad horse. When you persist on the same key with your annoying finger, my primordial essence takes control over that amazing human being I am (editor’s note): my carotid artery explodes, hot steams comes out of my nostrils and Dragon Ball style flame-waves radiate all around me. I hate it. Someone calls it temperament. I just call it “defeat”. When I scream of rage, I have officially and irremediably lost the battle. My body turns into an deflated balloon, confidence packs the suitcase and leaves, self-esteem spits in my eye. Big fat lose-lose.
Well…in full honesty, there has been a shifting point here some years ago. This was when I found in my hands Marshall Rosenberg’s “Nonviolent communication” (NCV). More than a book. Nothing less than a bible to keep always at hand. No matter which random page you bump and which line you read, you’d just go: “Ahhhh!! Yes, now I am on track again”. This book is my number one birthday present these days. So please, do yourself a favour. Buy it. Skip a restaurant dinner. It is mostly not worthy anyway. Tell your partner you are reading this. Your kids, you co-workers. Commit to this book as you will no longer have an excuse not to know.
Non violent communication is not just the opposite of violent communication. It’s a lot more than that. It is a relationship development process, a conscious lifestyle and a life philosophy. It allows assertive expression of needs, empathetic observations, confident outing of feelings. A damn-wise choice to authentically relate, powerfully communicate while targeting win-win scenarios. It combines self-love and altruistic-empathy. The result of this? A (self)compassionate way to fulfil your needs without crashing other’s.
So how does that works in a nutshell?
Without dwelling on knowledge you can google easily yourself, NVC focuses on 4 components:
–Observation: Illustration of facts. There is no judgment or evaluation (“I notice that…”)
–Feelings: Expressing emotions and sensations from the “I” perspective (“I feel…, I sense….”)
–Needs: Manifest what it is critical and essential for each of us (“I need…”)
–Request: Express a specific action (“I want you too…I need you to”)
Easy? Hell no! It takes commitment, discipline, indulgence, focus and tons of practice. And yet it is very much worth trying, because healthy people manage healthy relationships without compromising on their needs.
So my dear reader, give it a try, read the book, practice knowledge. And let The Big C know. We are curious to hear.
Humanist motivated by a profound ambition: enabling people to operate in social environments permeated by mutual respect, confidence and co-creativity. That is why Luca focused his coaching specialization on conflict management and non-violent communication.
Luca has extensive managerial experience within small and large enterprises in intercultural leadership roles. He has enhanced the development of top managers as well as fresh grads by tailoring coaching solutions on their unique resources and ambitions. He is particularly experienced in identifying and correcting dysfunctional working models and in cementing durable confidence in his clients.